Faint Feathered Friends     April 18, 2013

            Our bird has always walked around our house.  He won’t fly up into his cage.  He doesn’t fly at all—just walks around and sleeps beneath the furniture.  We’ve had to put his food and water dishes under the couch.  I have to confess I prefer vacuuming up his little messes to changing the paper in his cage.  But it is nerve wracking.  He seems to be successfully avoiding the dog too, except for that one time when I thought he was a goner.  His little birdie instincts saved him.  He slyly went limp until I convinced our Maltese to drop him, whereupon he belligerently squawked to safety under the couch.

            Doggone bird talks all the time, but you can’t understand anything he says.  We finally took him to the pet shop.  I handed him over to the young lady who offered to take him to the back room when we arrived (the pet psychiatrist was seeing patients back there).  She returned after we had time to examine every product in the store. 

“Doctor says your bird is afraid of heights,” she shrugged, and handed the sorry sack of feathers to me.  It said something snotty to her and eyed me suspiciously.

            “So that’s it,” I said to my wife, “The bird is snotty, talks gibberish, he’s afraid to do what he’s supposed to do, and his greatest talent is going limp when things get complicated.”

            “That’s why I named him Senator,” she smiled.

 

To Do Today           April 11, 2013

            Put this on your To Do Today list: Send emails or make calls to your Senators to urge their action.  They need to hear from a lot of people, including you!

            The Honorable Laydown Forbanks

            U. S. Senate

            Washington DC

            Dear Senator Forbanks,

I am disappointed that bank regulators have delayed implementation of reasonable rules that protect taxpayers from liability for the risky transactions of large financial institutions.  Suspension of these rules transfers the risk of financial loss to taxpayers but retains profits for the risk takers.  This kind of corporate welfare is egregiously wrong.  Taxpayers should not be “on-the-hook” for the irresponsibility of large institutional financial manipulators.  Now is the time for you, Senator Forbanks, to end this shameful corporate welfare.

But the problem is bigger than just implementing rules.  Congress has not done enough to ensure fair play during times of economic difficulty.  Everybody knows it, including you.  Congress has not prevented “too-big-to-fail” institutions from getting bigger and even more dangerous to our economy. 

The next time financially irresponsible operators throw our country (and the rest of the world) into the dumpster, the helpless congressional “I wasn’t ready” excuse will be even more laughable. Take action NOW to eliminate “too-big-to-fail” from the national vocabulary.  I want to know what legislation you plan to co-sponsor and support to accomplish this in the 113^th Congress.

           

Yours truly,

Yeah, it’s that same stinker again                         

 

Political Correctness           April 9, 2013

            Wow! If you are a politician and you say the wrong thing, every political and emotional enemy you have will decry your insensitivity, social stupidity, and basic crassness.  You will be identified with every graceless comment ever made and the world will hear about your memorable faux pas which will be named after everyone’s favorite social screwer-up du jour.  You will enjoy a prolonged festival of fingers, pointed at you.  This is the price of having a politically incorrect moment.

            Meanwhile, all sorts of politically inexcusable events go unheralded. Obviously unconstitutional laws passed by state legislatures. Governors who push tax changes that will victimize low income people and benefit wealthy donors.  Congressmen who visited economic wrath on Cuba (how did that work out, by the way?), and who now worry publicly that someone who visits Cuba might send the wrong message.  Self-satisfied senators who are bellicose in their disregard of the death inflicted on middle-east civilians for the sake of promoting human rights.  And of course politicians who are so bent on dismantling safety nets for the needy that they damage our economy to get their way.  And the politically inexcusable capper: they advertise their actions as ‘restoring America’s greatness.’ 

            I don’t know how you feel, but around here, we think politically inexcusable behavior is more important than politically incorrect behavior.   The latter is a distraction from the insidious effects of the former.  Thanks again news media, for your usual contribution to important public discourse.       

 

Our Duty to Reality              April 8, 2013

            Well the results are in!  Harsh sanctions imposed on nuclear wannabees are an overwhelming success—North Korea and Iran are bowing to the pressure; caving in to our superior power and intellect, embarrassed by the din of angry global disappointment.  Behaving like the children we assumed they were, they have put down their toys, hung their heads in shame, and slunk off to the time-out corner.

            Oh wait!  That’s the obstructionist bigots in congress.  The nuclear wannabees are the ones giving us the finger.  Well wait, so are the bigots in congress.  What in the world are they all thinking?!  The Draconian settlement of WW I imposed by France and others on Germany, plus cyclical economic hardship, and a particularly sick response produced Nazi Germany and WW II.  What makes people think that austere economic measures will produce positive results in North Korea, Iran, Europe or America?   Austerity doesn’t hurt well-insulated hatsanbadges—harsh economic conditions hurt people on Main Street.  The powerful and the rich aren’t even aware of most of the suffering.

            Oh, right!  We WISH they were, therefore we THINK they are.  Sadly, ‘wish’ and ‘think’ can fool us if we don’t pair them with ‘what’s working’ and ‘what’s failing’ in an honest assessment of reality.  Around here, we see AUSTERITY FAILING EVERYWHERE, and harsh sanctions creating only desperation.  In acting on principles, politicians have a duty of not being stupid and of actually solving problems.  Right now, it isn’t working.

The Elephant in the Room                        April 5, 2013

            I stopped in to see Titus Boogerworth, my financial guru.  “Boogs,” I said when he finally granted me an audience, “I’ve got some extra money, so naturally I came to you.  Where’s the best place to put it?”

            “These days,” he shot back, “You should put as much as you can in my bank account…help me fight poverty.”

            “Yeah,” I said, “but the truth is, you ain’t poor.  Why, financial consultants are the new oligarchy, making fortunes just from consulting with rabble like me and my well-heeled betters.

            “Don’t you believe it, Workhouse,” he exclaimed twisting the knife.  “Even in the service industry, the real money’s in product.  Want to buy a box of advice?  I call it, ‘Slave Your Way To Riches!’ It’s my New Improved Plan for prospering on minimum wage no-benefit part-time jobs.  It only costs about three days salary, and the money goes directly to my bank account.“

            “There’s a recurring theme here I don’t like,” I said.  “First we get pushed into believing minimum wage is appropriate, then schemers everywhere try to get a piece of us!  I don’t want to buy anything, I mean, except a comfortable retirement.”

            “Just exactly what I can provide,” he gushed.  “I see some interesting things going on in pork bellies.  Your money’s safe with me.  Let’s have it.  Trust me!” 

            “Here’s my two dollars,” I said reluctantly relinquishing two crumpled bills, “What are you going to do with your half?”

 

Gold Star for a Greenhorn              April 3, 2013

            Let’s hear it for Nebraska’s first-term Senator Deb Fisher, and Minnesota’s Senator Al Franken.  They co-sponsored an amendment to promote broad band internet access in rural areas.  The Senate passed the amendment.  It’s a start.  We need so much more.

            Broad band should be more accessible to inner city people too, and at bargain basement rates.  Think broadcast television.  At the very least, it should be a public utility, supervised by a public service commission.  Like the phone company used to be before the squirrels ate away all the insulation on our “responsible” wiring. 

Some day, people are going to realize that quality internet access at low rates (not the crap that is too expensive now) is a means of maximizing the talent that is so under-encouraged in America.  When that happens, a mandate will engulf legislators and our country will again change for the better. 

Then we will only have to overcome the immense legislative influence wielded by today’s mediocre providers.  We saw what happened to the idea of cable companies offering a cafeteria style choice of channels.  Right!  It just disappeared.  There’s only so much congress can do when the big sacks of money open.  The Fisher-Franken amendment will probably open one of those big sacks for broad band providers, but as noted, it’s a start—a commendable start in lamentable circumstances.  So, thank you Deb Fisher, and Al Franken.  May reason and good judgment taint your every future decision.

Suite Revenge         April 1, 2013

            I was complaining to my shrink about how hard it is to avoid poverty these days.  “I am not giving you a discount on your therapy,” he barked after a few minutes. “You want a diet soda?”

            “No thanks,” I said, “That stuff just makes me want to eat, and drink more soda until I’m stupid.  Doc, why are taxes so high on ordinary Joes like me?!”

            “Look,” he said, “I paid a lot for my education.  Sure, I make a lot of money, but I earn it!  Would YOU like to listen to guys like you all day?  You pay high taxes because all you do is work.  Your expenses are just living costs.  I have to contribute heavily to my elected friends, socialize and be nice to them, and constantly explain why MY taxes need to be reduced.  Then I have to LISTEN and pretend to believe all their B.S.!  It’s really grim.  You want a beer, or some wine?”

            “Doc, that stuff just makes me stop caring.  And I listen to B.S. all day…from ‘bosses’, ‘experts’, and ‘news anchors’.  What’s to become of the middle class?  I’m struggling here!”

            “Too many people worry!  For Chrissake, you think we won’t take care of the middle class?!  Here!  Have some donuts.  You’ll feel better.”

            “Doc, I need sugar like I need a new car and a yard full of plastic toys!  I’ve got a better idea.  You can have the sugar, the soda, and the alcohol.  I’m quitting one of my part time jobs and going fishing.  Tell that to your elected friends.  I’m out of here!”

            “Communist!” he screamed as I closed the door.