Deemon O'Flaherty's Law of The Letter

            Deemon O’Flaherty, the defense lawyer whose friends all say he could get the Devil into Heaven, stopped by last Pi day bearing a gift.  He said it was 3.14% of a home made pie, the missing remainder of which had been deliciously worthy of the auld sod.  We were half a cup into a fine pot of coffee when our conversation turned to “the letter.”

            “It was NOT treasonous,” he insisted, “for 47 U.S. Senators to sign a letter saying the President’s promises might be worthless.  It was merely petulant, puerile, and the nastiest bit of obstruction since Congress tried to redeem Richard Nixon with the guts of Bill Clinton.  It was a filthy act, but NOT treason!”

            “Well, what about the Logan Act,” I stammered?  “It was at least a felony!  We should get a special prosecutor!”

            “Divil a bit of it, old face!  That wouldn’t produce indictments, it would cost taxpayers a fortune, and simply encourage more ‘stupid human tricks’ by these Legislative Branch simpletons.  And laddie, I’m a taxpayer.

            “No,” he continued, “this is only goin’ to end when ordinary citizens end it.  When they stop tolerating the agitation of ratings-driven journalists, when they give the Divil’s laugh to shallow talking heads, and when they make elections count.”

            “So, never,” I spat!

            “Are ye doin’ yer part?  Are ye writin’ to TV networks and program sponsors?  Are ye expressin’ yerself to Senators and Representatives?  Stamps are cheap.  Bad behavior is best buried by old fashioned letters!”   

Bainwarble Bites The Bullet

          Bainwarble came in from the camper one day looking like he was going to cloud up and rain on somebody’s parade. He’d gotten a letter from his solicitor, Hedrick Chiesbottham, of Cutter, Chiesbottham & Stench, saying the British Government was going to tax him for the estimated value of coal they believed might be under his cemetery plot.

           “That’s nothing,” said Ducky Bumps bitterly, “They tax US on the estimated value of Congressmen for which they charge us about a quarter of a million dollars a year, including perks!”

           “It’s the principle of the thing,” said Bainwarble.
           “You need to sell your cemetery plot and become an American citizen,” we declared in unison. We are solidly behind the ‘build the tax base’ idea: broaden the burden; lighten the load. Besides, we knew that several enterprising landowners were selling cheap cemetery plots in the temporarily dry bed of the Latrine River.

           “Will you help me study for the test,” he asked?

           “We’ll do even better than that,” declared Ducky Bumps, “We’ll buy you the ‘Know-Co’ handbook and the ‘Study Notes’ book on the Constitution! And, take you to a gun show.” That one put Glassshard over the top—he’d been admiring Ducky Bumps’ ordnance collection for some time.

           So Bainwarble studied, and worked, and went to gun shows, and achieved his American citizenship. It was "It’s-a-Wonderful-Life-heartwarming" to see him become a citizen, join a credit union, and learn to shoot.

          We bought him a real “Do Not Enter” sign to use as a gun range target.

Girl Scouts for Congress

            We need to improve the reputation of Congress.  Here’s an idea.  .Let’s have the Girl Scouts take over.  They have proven they are astute money managers, capable of handling serious matters effectively.  They are dedicated.  They are energetic.  They all seem to be able to get along with each other.  They have an outstanding outreach program and highly developed customer relations skills.  Everybody likes their cookies. By all important measures they are responsible and committed to America’s system of economic enterprise.  None of them seems to want to shut down the Girl Scouts, or exclude groups of girls from the benefits of membership.  They work hard.  Probably more than three days a week.  They don’t seem to have any “gotcha” tricks up their sleeves—they’re just focused on achievement.  And, you don’t have to show identification to support Girl Scouts.  There seems to be no attempt to limit the number of people who can participate in buying cookies.

            I think the Girl Scouts would be admirable Senators and Representatives.  Then, Congress could go sell cookies.  And learn something!  I always support the Girl Scouts—buy cookies every year—but I know I’d love to smile at my Congressman, and politely tell him to get off my porch.

Beau McCoy’s Folly

            We first noticed Beau McCoy when he ran for state-wide office recently.  What caught our attention was his campaign ad, in which he symbolically smacked the POTUS to the ground.  It seemed…adolescent.  He seemed like a bully.  Not some racist goon, but still, he was behaving like a thug.  His message never achieved the unscrupulous refinement of The Great Voter Fraud Myth or even its clumsier cousin Bridgegate, so the whole campaign came off as crude.

            Now, McCoy seems to be taking up the “dissenter-as-terrorist” theme by supporting his Party’s effort to wipe that pesky 2^nd Congressional District off the political map.  His “Winner-take-all” bill in the Legislature would prevent 2^nd District dissenters from being heard in the electoral college, thus vanquishing the “Evil Enemy.”  This, by him, is a pressing Unicameral issue.

            Surely there are more useful things our “nonpartisan” legislature could be doing.  Nebraska is already a virtual “fly-over” state because of its red unitard.  Having a potential dissenting district adds value to us as a likely “stop-over” for presidential wannabees who may spend more of the billion plus 2016 campaign dollars here.  And shouldn’t Democrats in our midst have some chance of being heard?    Around here, we think diversity enhances democracy.  McCoy seems to disagree.

Political hegemony may have less value than many believe.  Nonetheless it is becoming the signal objective of polarized politicians.  What folks who want to bulldoze dissenters don’t realize is that one day, like Corleone’s henchman, killer Clemenza, they will not be welcome at the wedding.  

Guard Your Money!

          Seems like things naturally lead us away from participating in government. A big distraction these days is just making a living. Being exhausted after long hours of work, with a car still to repair or a plugged toilet to clear immediately can put you right off thinking about city government, the state legislature, or those beloved folks in Congress.

           When you finally get a minute, the TV whips you through a range of emotions over the latest gun violence, or terrorist bombing, or notorious act of child/elder/spouse abuse, or tale of official malfeasance. It’s all the time!

           So you change channels and are cheered by your favorite team’s recent win. It’s nice to ponder the great athletic deeds of “our team” as opposed to the nefarious trickery of others. Next you’re regaled with the antics of another of the “beautiful people” who are there to let you know that there’s life after work, at least for some.

           Problem with distractions like these is that a whole lot of folks are delighted to see you sitting out of the governing process. They’re working on tax changes that may cost you a bundle—and you don’t have a bundle to spare. They are making funding decisions that may rob your children or grand children of a fighting chance at success.

           Around here we think it’s worth it for you to help govern. Not just for you, but for those you love. It’s your legacy. And it’s YOUR money. Yours, not the government’s.

Return of the Dufi

          Well what’s most important? The first thing we have to do is stop being losers. So let’s pass a bill to create temporary jobs. About as many as the economy is producing every five days now. Never mind that it involves blatant misuse of eminent domain for the benefit of foreign oil producers and foreign consumers. Never mind that taxpayers will pay to clean up after inevitable 50,000 gallon spills. Never mind the safety of America’s water supply. We’ve got to stop being losers.

           Let’s also stick our middle finger in accepted protocol and invite a foreign leader to congress without going through the executive branch. That will disrespect our President and his foreign policies, showing that we always know best. It’ll be a perfect example of legislative/executive cooperation.

           We should also do something about women getting abortions without proving, (say with a copy of the police report) they were actually raped. Let’s show our constituents we are not losers. Those (what 18 or so ?) women who want to cheat on our values and get an abortion by lying about being raped are not getting by US!

           Then we’ll start kicking needy people off the health insured list. That ObamaCare still stings. But we’re not losers! We’ve got our stuff together and working for us now. We’ll find a way to cooperate that bill into the trash can.

           Around here, we think we know losers when we see them. Welcome back dufi! Apparently YOU are the government we deserve.