The Spoils of War

            Is it just me, or does it seem like war is the principal force that perpetuates whatever is being warred upon.  Take WW I, the “War to end all wars.”  It didn’t.  The treatment of the vanquished was so harsh, that combined with economic hard times, and of course bankers, it gave birth to WW II. 

            How about the War on Poverty?  We have spent $20+ trillion subsidizing Americans’ cheapskate employers, but the “market poverty” rate (calculated without government tax credits or other benefits) went from 26 or 27% in 1967 to 28.7% in 2012.  The greed of employers, the omissions and commissions of Congress, and of course bankers, have perpetuated and grown poverty.

            The War on Drugs?  Does ANYBODY really believe that is working?  The lure of fantastic profits, caused partly by the fruitful illegality of drugs, and of course bankers, has made illicit drug trafficking a growth industry.  Didn’t anybody remember Prohibition?

            World War II defeated an inhuman cadre of criminals.  Like many of America’s wars, it was necessary.  Mostly, today’s inhuman criminals (now there are more of them) have to be more circumspect.  Meanwhile breathtaking worldwide poverty, and the lunacy of empire, give them ample targets and recruits.

            The War on Terror?  Ask yourself how THAT’S going.  Terrorism, because of zealots, inhuman criminal manipulators, widespread poverty, and of course bankers, is thriving.

            Around here, we think the real spoils of war are the humane things we don’t do, to combat the causes of human suffering.  War spoils that. 

Wiley Stinks, Philosopher Chef

          Chef Stinks and I were in the kitchen sharing some sort of pate he had fashioned from goose fat, seasonings, and an unknown meat. Bainwarble burst into the room in his purple waistcoat, wearing sleeve garters and latex gloves. He was carrying a garbage bag and had a spray bottle of air freshener dangling at his pocket. He glanced at the table, screwed up his nose and grunted, “Oh! I thought I had forgotten to empty the trap behind the stove. I see the smell is coming from another culinary catastrophe, Wiley.”

           “Well, we have to do SOMETHING with the things the lady of the house shoots, Glass-shard.” Wiley always pointedly pronounces Bainwarble's first name as two separate words.

           It's a blessing and a curse, I thought, having a crippled sense of smell due to all those sinus surgeries. From the unpleasant look on Bainwarble's face, I judged that at this moment I was enjoying a blessing.

           “Some day she may accidentally shoot you,” Stinks continued. “I've been thinking if one minds the prevailing winds, you might make a good scarecrow for the garden!”

           “No need,” retorted the Welsh giant, “Since you've arrived, they all come to the kitchen window and faint dead away.” He grinned and sat down as I pointed to an empty chair. “Deal me some crackers,” he said, “and a non-lethal dose of that pate.”

           “No worries, Mate,” Wiley said in a heavy accent. He brushed the underside of his nose with his forefinger and added, “If it kills you it'll make you stronger!”

A Tax Break Attacks Like A Tax

          Let’s say you loan your pickup truck to your brother so he can haul some stuff and won’t have to spend $103.00 to rent a truck for the hauling. It happens all the time. Good people help out friends and family members.

           In this case, you have done something nice that saved him $103. You have communicated $103 dollars worth of value to him and you have foregone receiving any money. Economists would say you have actually spent whatever money that you might have charged him or that he might have offered you.

           Now, let’s say your city wants to promote improvement of blighted areas and passes tax-increment-financing. Or say your fed gov wants to promote home ownership and allows taxpayers to reduce their taxable income by the amount of their home mortgage interest. These are good examples of how tax benefits can help individuals and communities. In economic terms, these government entities have, by foregoing tax income, actually spent the money they agreed not to collect.

           Every year, America spends about $83 billion on tax incentives for businesses (companies like Wells Fargo, General Electric, Capital One Financial, DuPont, Verizon, and others). And all that money has to be collected elsewhere—from ordinary Americans. You could say that’s about a quarter of a trillion dollars spent every three years, on your behalf by your elected reps, on their constituents, friends and families in business! Around here, we think you might spend it differently, if you had any say.

Good For Business

            Is everything that’s good for business really good for America?  Consider some examples:

• Have authorities or contractors shoot / bludgeon people striking for fair wages / conditions;
• Defy safety rules, just pay fines, even if there are recurring work fatalities;
• Reduce resource extraction costs by strip mining;
• Reduce costs by irresponsibly handling toxic waste;
• Let taxpayers pay for workers’ subsistence needs resulting from poverty wages;
• Hire undocumented workers, pay them even less, and deport them if they complain;
• Cheat investors, steal money, and let taxpayers bail you out;
• Hide knowledge of product safety flaws; just pay a few settlements to victims  or their families;
• Blackmail States into paying you to bring jobs to their State;
• Take benefits America provides, but pay taxes overseas;
• Fracking.

           Too often, someone says, “If it’s good for business, it’s good for America; America needs to be run more like a business.”  Around here we think America needs to run from this flawed thinking.  Government is not business.  Government is sometimes what people have do together to clean up after some businesses.  Sure, government needs to be efficient, responsive, adaptable, technically astute, innovative, transparent, and accountable.  Nothing new about that—it’s just good management.  Many businesses even aspire to these qualities.  However, government is in the long game, not tomorrow’s profits.  That’s how it is with education, human services, environmental & safety issues, providing for the common defense, and you know, promoting the general welfare.

How Ordinary People Demand Justice

           Hoss Studd, my old college pal stopped by. I poured coffee and made the mistake of mentioning congress.

           “Folks jes have to quit bein' stupid, R.R.  If your guy or gal in Congress is working for a Party boss, or some cash-totin' creep, instead of for you, it's time for a fresh pony. Complainin' don't get the job done. A letter to Congress is a fine exercise in civics, but voting is what counts. If you don't like either candidate, or if there's only one to vote for, write in someone. Even if you can't beat 'em. Heck, write in a critter. Twenty percent of the vote for a write-in named Landfill Rat, now that sends a message. And if Landfill Rat wins, you're still ahead.

           Some will tell ya it's stupid to throw away your vote. My answer is, take a good look at what the last vote got you. Damn it, JUST VOTE! It's how ordinary folks demand justice. 'Specially in local and state elections. You think who gets to be sheriff or mayor or state legislator don't matter? Now THAT'S stupid. You think your Congressman won't mis-direct, side-step, and fill the air with flowery double-speak to hide how he screwed generations of people so's those very people will vote for him? THAT'S stupid.”

           “Hoss! You're ranting.”

           “No I ain't, R.R.”

           “Hoss, I hear what you're saying. Hell, everybody on the block probably heard it.

Have a gulp of coffee, and let's talk about clowns or something!

           “I was.”

The Yak Fat Diet

          Jack Spratt's Yak Fat diet has all the essentials for success. You know, so many diets require you to learn dozens of recipes—you have to become a specialty chef just to get through your already busy day! But the Yak Fat diet is simple—only your nosy neighbors will even guess you're scheming away those pounds!

           This is how it works: Render a yak. Pour into mini-muffin tins (makes about a thousand). Cool tins in the garage. When hungry, spoon a yak fat cake onto wax paper, oil cloth, or even a rusty lid from the work bench. Eat on-the-go, or sit down to a lavish table (no candles!) and enjoy your no-fuss dinner with a glass of sneaky-pete. Only one glass, though, or you'll be in the garage rattling those muffin tins all evening, and never lose an ounce! I recommend an old iron bath tub over a wood fire to do the rendering. Some neighbors will likely come and discuss this with you, but the timid ones will leave you alone. Plus, you can use yak hide to replace the tattered headliner in your Simca!

           Jim of Knuckleroad AR says: “One bite and I knew I'd rather eat dust off the window sills. I did for months. I lost weight in a hurry!” Alice of Pavement NY says: “I tried it and I lost everything (I ever wanted to lose).” We added the part in parentheses. This diet has it all—simplicity, and food that helps you control your appetite!

We Love The Halls Of Ivy

           Former Governor Butler (who said this job was a step up for him) ushered me in to my weekly coffee at the University President’s 18,000 square foot residence. Butler Butler showed me past the atrium to President Hal Savivey’s sumptuous buffet in the fountain court. He announced me, and we three old frat brothers had a cheery moment agreeing we had all found the 'right' work. Hal acknowledged he was the highest paid at $350,000, but said he was surely the lowest paid University President in America.

           When we sat down alone, Hal confided he was having second thoughts about hiring Butler. We sipped and grumbled till Butler returned.

           “Bill at the Power company said the plane trip to Banff is on schedule…and Warren Buffet called again. Also, Obama will meet you in Chicago next Tuesday. Oh, and the Chamber wants some policy advice.” Butler Butler nodded and left.

           “See what I mean,” Hal asked? He should have just posted that to me! Politicians! A bunch of flies feeding on me like a plate of sh—Hello darling!”

           “I hope I haven’t kept you from swearing again! Hello R.R.” Mrs. Savivey glided past us heading for the kitchen.

           “Stealthy woman,” exclaimed Savivey. “As I was saying, my salary barely keeps me in cummerbunds. I need a part-time job!”

           “Well, there's your three cars, and greens fees, this huge house and grounds, plus upkeep, plus the staff, all those expensive parties you throw, the plane trips all over the world for golf and networking, shopping trips to both coasts, your retreat in Costa Rica, your personal trainer and gym membership, the annual ten-day faculty retreat you hold at a national historic site each year, the monthly Department Head luncheons you give, and the developmental seminars at swanky resorts on the coasts. I mean, you could cut back!”

           “No no no,” Hal protested, “all that stuff is paid for by the University. I can't save a dime on any of that! No, my problem is I only have about $150,000 a year to invest. At this rate, I'll have to work forever--.”

           “Sir, your limo is packed and ready,” interrupted Butler.

           “Finally!” Hal stood up. “I'm headed for Canada to ski. Can I drop you anywhere, R.R.?”

          “Thanks anyway, Hal,” I said, looking at Butler and remembering my college loans.