Professional Opinion

Professional Opinion          November 20, 2012

            My doctor said I should eat more donuts.  He was listening sarcastically to my chest at the time and when I said, “But…,” he interrupted with, “Breathe!  You’ve got to stop trying to look like an action figure and live a little.”  He’s a professional.  But so am I.

            “You mean a doll?  It’s not an action figure, it’s a doll.”

            “No,” he responded, rising to the challenge, “In this century, it’s an action figure.  Why not work a little less on your six-pack and join us—it’s 2012.”

            “Doc, it’s a doll,” I insisted.  “An action figure is a negative bank balance.”  That one got him.  He actually took a step back in disgust.  Pity fogged his glasses.

            “It sucks to be you, doesn’t it?”

            “I’m just sayin’,” I responded with smug satisfaction, “I spend a lot of time maintaining my six-pack and I’d think a health-care professional would respect that.”

            “You talk like you’re back on that negative nicotine patch regimen.  Are you up to the strongest dose yet?  You’re OK.  The nurse will get your papers.  Come and see me again soon!”  He disappeared in a blink, off to help the next health nut.

            I told this story to my wife that same evening.  She shook her head.

            “Bubba,” she said, “You love words.  You should know better.  When you say ‘maintaining’ you actually mean ‘replenishing’ you six-pack.  You spend time driving to the store to replenish it.  Way too much time.” 

She’s right.  Around here, we guess it might be a good thing if everybody opened a few less sodas, and ate a donut, maybe like every second or third doctor’s visit.