Wiley Stinks Assumes the Position

           Now that we have a butler, I interviewed several chefs to ease Ducky Bumps’ culinary burdens. I selected Wiley Stinks as our new gourmet slop slinger.

           Interviewing is messy—irrelevant questions from people who don’t understand the work, posed to those who do. Plus that nonsense about dress-for-success, body language, and poise. And legally sanitized stupidity like, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” or squirrel bait like, “If you were a salad, which part of yourself would you eat first?”!! Since the questions are silly, applicants’ responses are usually contrived. So I invented the walk-and-talk Interview. I don’t micro-scrutinize anybody, and you’ll never hear me ask, “Is there any reason why your criminal convictions would prevent you from doing this work?”!

           Being frugal, I did ask Wiley about water in cooking. He said you could use a paper or a cloth towel, or if needed, a wet/dry vac. I was expecting something about soup, you know, baptizing the gumbo? It was by a similar miscommunication that I glimpsed Wiley’s checkered past.

           To discover his salary needs, I asked as we walked and talked, “Assume the position—“ The words spun no faster through the air than he did, leaping to a leaning position against a nearby car, with his feet planted apart. “What are you doing,” I demanded? He apologized and I started over: “Assume the position is minimum wage minus meals, would that be OK?”

           He nodded, smiling, and proffered his card, which I read aloud: Wiley Stinks—His cooking is great!