Bainwarble Buttles On

            A Welsh coloratura barritone butler with alimentary issues, who speaks no English is an invention of the cosmos, destined to find employment with a penny pincher somewhere. Two words: my house. My wife, who insists that toothpaste cannot be re-used, claims I'm cheap. But she doesn't mind the money I'm saving on our new butler, Glassshard Bainwarble. His English, so far, comprises, “Tea!” and “off-the-clock.” Ducky Bumps says, “A Welshman who doesn't speak English?! Ridiculous!”

             I'm intrigued by the whole matter. I'm teaching Bainwarble, but he is also teaching me. I never knew I had such a facility for language. While he was learning the phrase, “Would you come here, please?” he taught me how to say the same thing in Welsh: “anghenion dwp rhywun helpu.” I have to say, Bainwarble makes me feel quite egalitarian. Now, whenever I want something, I say, “Bainwarble, would you come here please? anghenion dwp rhywun helpu.”

             Ducky Bumps said, “Why don't you invest in one of those little electronic translators people use these days? You speak into the thing and it displays or says whatever you want it to.”

             “Never,” I stormed, “those things cost money!”

             “Okay,” she sighed. Later, she secretly obtained just such a gadget.

               At the risk of domestic ridicule, I determined to master Welsh, and lay in bed repeating my new phrase before going to sleep. Then I noticed Ducky Bumps looking at something in her hand and convulsing with silent laughter.

              “Well, we have to communicate,” I snapped.