Bainwarble Bites The Bullet

          Bainwarble came in from the camper one day looking like he was going to cloud up and rain on somebody’s parade. He’d gotten a letter from his solicitor, Hedrick Chiesbottham, of Cutter, Chiesbottham & Stench, saying the British Government was going to tax him for the estimated value of coal they believed might be under his cemetery plot.

           “That’s nothing,” said Ducky Bumps bitterly, “They tax US on the estimated value of Congressmen for which they charge us about a quarter of a million dollars a year, including perks!”

           “It’s the principle of the thing,” said Bainwarble.
           “You need to sell your cemetery plot and become an American citizen,” we declared in unison. We are solidly behind the ‘build the tax base’ idea: broaden the burden; lighten the load. Besides, we knew that several enterprising landowners were selling cheap cemetery plots in the temporarily dry bed of the Latrine River.

           “Will you help me study for the test,” he asked?

           “We’ll do even better than that,” declared Ducky Bumps, “We’ll buy you the ‘Know-Co’ handbook and the ‘Study Notes’ book on the Constitution! And, take you to a gun show.” That one put Glassshard over the top—he’d been admiring Ducky Bumps’ ordnance collection for some time.

           So Bainwarble studied, and worked, and went to gun shows, and achieved his American citizenship. It was "It’s-a-Wonderful-Life-heartwarming" to see him become a citizen, join a credit union, and learn to shoot.

          We bought him a real “Do Not Enter” sign to use as a gun range target.